the one when even the tiny sparks of happiness struggled…

Real talk.

According to the stats its been two months (or more) since my last post. For those who have been following my posts here may know my struggles with anxiety and depression… there are many times during the week that its a battle just to wake up. My job is endlessly draining in all aspects, and my personal life has been just one tough stretch of challenges.

Honestly I have days wasted on feeling an inescapable sense of doom and despair, often times during my days off from my twelve hour shifts as a nurse. There is always a lack of sleep, my mind preoccupied with worrying about tomorrow, the next couple of months and the future.

But despite that I choose to grasp on to those tiny sparks of happiness every day. Maybe a moment of silly laughter after a ridiculous joke. People watching while eating chicken nuggets (don’t be like my sister who orders grilled nuggets, original all the way) at Chickfila. The frantic setup and takedown at the local craft show. The beauty and brilliance of Postmates (and all other delivery apps out there) causing my neighbors to think I’m some sort of recluse. Dyeing my hair an ostentatious shade of hot pink. Silent whispered thoughts while visiting my Mom’s grave, wishing our conversation would somehow reach the heavens. A good cup of coffee. Avocado toast. That pure escapism that can be brought upon by a fluffy korean drama.

Things.

Places.

People.

On my lock screen there is a quote by Mary Oliver —

Someone I once loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too… was a gift.

Its a subtle reminder that you don’t always have to win the day, its enough to win the minute… or the hour, or however it needs to be.

2 thoughts on “the one when even the tiny sparks of happiness struggled…

  1. I know you posted this a while ago, but I appreciate your honesty a lot in this piece. It moved me a lot to read it. My mum died 3 years ago and there has been a lot of struggling since then so I feel like I know what you mean about taking it one minute at a time sometimes. The quote at the end of your blog is beautiful.
    Take happiness in all the smallest things, wherever you can. 🙂

    Like

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